Forgetful Israelite

     Let me start this blog by telling all my 6 followers that.....I AM PREGNANT!!!!!! HOORAY!!!! The wait is over and I could not be more thankful. With that said, my prayer lately has been....help me not be a forgetful Israelite.
     I did BSF this year, which stands for Bible Study Fellowship, and it was amazing. We studied Isaiah and it was oh so good! One big thing that stood out in Isaiah was how quick the Israelites were to forget the Lords faithfulness. I found myself getting frustrated with them because I wondered how God could do such a big miracle and then, what seemed like seconds later, the Israelites were complaining and turning to idols.
    I have been praying for a baby for a year. If you read my past blogs you can experience some of what that season was like for me. I am so incredibly thankful for that season and would not trade it for anything, but the Lord has given me a baby now for which I am SO SO excited! But even though I just found out I was pregnant, I find myself becoming a forgetful Israelite.  I was excited for a whole day before my little panic started to settle in. How are we going to support a child? How are we going to afford a house? Can we even get a house in time? What if we can't? Stop. I hear it resonate in my spirit. Just stop.
     How did I get here? Just the other day I was jumping up for joy because the Lord had showed himself FAITHFUL. How had I forgotten his faithfulness?  Forgetful Israelite, remember. Remember his faithfulness. Remember his promises. Remember his way is best....ALWAYS. I am led to the cross because of his patience. I am led to a place of repentance because of his kindness. I am led to the Word that reminds me of his character and his love for his people. It is there I remember....forgetful Israelite.

A Random Thought for Sunday Night

     I have been married for just over three years now and it is so interesting to me how every year seems to bring a different season to our marriage. The first year was so great, but now that I look back...it was a little awkward! We were just getting to really know eachother. I was living in a lot of fear that year that he was going to realize that he made a mistake or was going to get bored of me. Don't get me wrong, there was so much excitement that surrounded our first year because there were so many things that were new to us, but there were many growing pains that came with that year as well. I mean...lets be honest, for two people that have never lived with the opposite sex...that will always bring some interesting times.
     Our second year was great as well, but about half way through we realized the work that goes into marriage. The first year was pretty easy for us besides fighting over Wheat Thins (yes, we really got in a fight over that). We spent ALL our time together our first year but our second year we entered the world again. We started to take on more and be apart more from eachother with various ministry happenings and what-not. We did not have the luxury anymore of all that time and without that time marriage and communication became a bit harder. We realized that year that it was going to take us being intentional about our time together and making the time we did have quality.
     We are now in our third year and what a joy it has been! I feel like we have found our rhythm and what works for us. We are comfortable and get each other. I am absolutely in love with this man and adore (almost) everything about him! :) We were just talking the other night and I was telling him how thankful I am for this season because he is just my best friend in the whole wide world! There is no one else who gets me like he does, who can call me out on things that no one else would ever even notice. He knows me and loves me all the same. I am so thankful the Lord gave me this man to walk this life with, someone to grow old with, someone to laugh with along the way and someone who can hold me up when things aren't so great. I am so thankful for my best friend!

Not for the Faint of Heart

     I went to a wedding a few nights ago and was so struck by the vows that were said. They were no different than any other wedding vows I have ever heard, but I think for the first time I actually listened to what they were saying. For better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poor. These two were declaring, in front of us and God, that they would see each other through whatever laid before them, good or bad. Our culture tells us now that marriage is for better or worse IF the worse does not last too long or as long as you still feel satisfied or in love with your husband/wife. We miss the gravity of what we are declaring and the covenant that we are making to our spouses. A covenant that says I will love, honor and respect my husband no matter what may come. I will love him with a love like Christs' that HATES sin but LOVES the sinner. Christ loves us with an unwavering love and has made a covenant with His people. He says that there is NOTHING that can seperate us from the love of Christ, even though everyday is a struggle for us to love him back. Even though he knew we would sin against him everyday and turn our backs on him, he still came and still loves. Too many times people get caught up in wanting a wedding so bad or fear that they will not meet "the one", that they rush into forever. This thing called marriage is not for the faint of heart. When we say, "I do" we are called to a life of selflessness. A life where I am to respect and follow my husband and a life that my husband is to lay down for me. This is what our vows should be about... an unwavering, constant, steadfast, selfless love. A love that knows no bounds, a love like Christ.

Without My Lord

     Here we are again, another month not pregnant. Bummer. I thought I was getting really good at this whole disappointment thing, but turns out I am not! This month when I found out I was not, there was no crying or long talks, just a sad and longing heart. I was proud of myself for not crying because I don't like struggling with the same thing EVERY month. I did not want to go there again this month, I did not want to cry one more time about this, but turns out, you can't take the cry out of a crier! :)
     I was sitting at our leadership meeting before church and my husband was leading devotions and was talking about the importance of prayer and how we were just going to spend the next 30 minutes in prayer and usually I LOVE that. Yesterday was different. I thought to myself, Why pray? God won't listen. What? Where did that awful thought come from?! Slowly that morning, the Lord revealed to me that in my efforts to not be a bitter and sad person, that is exactly what I was becoming. I have been trying to do this whole thing on my own. Trying to find a place for the disappointment and hurt every month.
     Well, turns out, I am also really prideful! I don't like people to see me hurt and struggle, especially if it is the SAME thing over and over again. I want to master this hurt and let everyone around me know that I have it all together. My goal in this whole process has not been a healthy heart that trusts and is in love with my Lord. My goal has been for others to look at me and say how well I am handling this and how good of a Christian I am! So stupid!
     In the process of all this I have lost sight. Lost sight of my heart, my hurt, my struggles and my God. Lost sight of what He is bringing me through and why this journey at this time. I have taken the reigns and said that I can do it better than the Lord. I can protect my heart better, I protect myself from bitterness better, I can look like a better person without the Lord and all the while I am becoming a bitter, sad and angry person. It amazes me how fast I become such a gross person without the help of my Lord. How thankful I am for his steadfastness and his patience with his children. That when I leave and look to myself for answers he gently guides me back and reveals the truth to me in love.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL you ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

How Deep His Love

     It is amazing to me how fast pride can find its way to my heart. Without constant accountability (and I mean constant) pride takes over so fast. My pastor did a sermon on pride this week and it totally convicted me. I am a prideful being. I live a life most days completely dependent on myself. A life that clearly communicates that I can do it better than the Lord. I become so sure of myself and what I am "gifted" in and forget that He is the giver of those gifts and the giver of anything and everything good in my life. In those moments I am humbled and reminded of my complete and total failure without my Lord.
     But what I have a hard time with is realizing that because I fail without the Lord (and make mistakes) does not mean that I am a failure, but that is a lie I have a hard time shaking sometimes. Because I am not like this, it is hard to believe the truth that God can convict and show me the error of my way and not change His opinion about me. That blows my mind because when someone fails me, I am mad and hurt and it changes my perspective about them. I am blown away by the steadiness of my Saviour's love for His people. Over and over and over again He gives us chances; chances to change, chances to love, chances to be loved and so many times we let His undeserving grace pass us by. I don't want to let it pass me by nor do I want it to fall on a hard heart because I can't get pass the lie that He thinks I am a failure. I will stand firm on the truth that no matter what I may "feel" like, that my Creator is captivated by me, His creation. I will stand firm in the truth that when He corrects and disciplines me, it is out of a deep love and a desire to see me grow more like Him. What a wonderful, passionate, patient, grace-giving God I serve!

Life in my mind this week!

     So this blog has no real significance at all. Just a look into what has been consuming my mind lately. First thing, is since I started blogging and reading others, I have been wondering where do all these perfectly gorgeous, extremely talented women come from?! I love doing crafts and want to get into craft fairs and stuff like that but it seems as though all these women have taken all the cute ideas! I feel completely overwhelmed to think of new things because I am pretty sure there is nothing new under the sun! I have until August to find 5 things to make and make good because that is when my friend and I are doing our first ever craft fair. Which I am super excited about but don't even know where to begin!
     The other thing is, my husband and I put a bid on a short sale townhome in our dream little town. There is a possbility that we won't hear anything for another 10 weeks! This is really gives me too much time on my hands because I can't stop thinking about it! As much as I absolutely LOVE the people we live with, in the basement, I sure am ready to have my own place again and I am sure they would love their basement back! Something you probably don't know about me, is I don't like to spend money. I like nice things but I will almost never pay full price for things. This is great news for my husband! I say that because there is some work that we would like to do if we get the house and lucky for my husband I have already decorated (in my mind) the kitchen and the living room for around 800-1000 dollars. This includes new countertops, painting cabinets, painting walls and new floors for the kitchen. This shows you that either I am REALLY good at doing my research for getting things cheap or the place is really small; which it is a hybrid of both! :)
     So, there it is. The life during a week in my mind! Nothing that is of real importance, but I will keep you all updated when the creative ideas fall into my lap and I become a craft genius....or when and if we get the townhouse...or both! :)

    

Perspective Shift

     I feel overwhelmed with all the Lord is teaching me, but a good overwhelmed. I feel like He is just sitting with me and sharing all these truths and I am trying to soak it all up because I know that seasons like this don't last forever. As I have been walking through this season of learning faith and being asked some hard questions, my perspective on my life and life in general has really begun to shift. I have said before in one of my blogs that our perspective is not God's perspective and His ways are not our ways. With that, I really feel like He has been challenging me more and going deeper with me on what that really looks like in my life.
     I have shared before about my struggle with it taking a while to get pregnant and how that has shaken me up a bit. There is so much uncertainty when it comes to having kids, and I guess much of life is that way, but this has been a major area of struggle in my life. And the longer times goes on without getting pregnant the more and more I can feel fear and panic try to grip my heart. The days when hopelessness seems to get the best of me, I find myself asking why the strong desire to have kids and why have I ALWAYS wanted to be a mom if these longings are never going to be fulfilled? While praying through some of these questions this week I was reminded of the story in the Bible of Abraham and Sarah.
     Abraham and Sarah wanted children but they had none and they were past the child-bearing age. God spoke to Abraham in his old age and promised him a son, born from Sarah, and also said that his offspring will be as many as the stars in the sky. As time passed, they began to doubt God's promise. Sarah did not think they would have children so she told Abraham to sleep with her slave, Hagar, and have a child. Abraham did just that and had a son with Hagar named Ishmael. Sarah and Abraham waited for 25 years for God to give them a son and God did what He said He would do and gave them a child. 25 YEARS! Abraham was 100 years old when this happened! He had two sons now. But, didn't God say that his offspring would be as many as the stars in the sky? To anyone looking at Abraham's family, I am sure they thought, surely, God must have lied or forgotten what He promised you. How could this man have many offspring but only have two sons? But from Isaac started the lineage of the Israel nation, hence, making Abraham the father of many.
    So, that is a WAY abbreviated version of a really great story but I had to give some background for this blog to make any sense. This story spoke to me about perspective. There are so many times in our lives when we feel the Lord has spoken something to us or He has given us a desire to do or be something and then we take that and mold it into what we think it should or will look like. I don't think dreaming or making plans with those desires is wrong in any way, but I think the struggle for me is when I make those dreams something that I think has to happen. I assume because God gave me such a huge heart for children that I will have them, and lots of them,  when I think it is the right time.  I lose perspective, and when I lose perspective I close myself off to what the Lord may have in store for me. God told Abraham he would have many offspring and I am sure he may have thought that meant literally, lots of children, but it did not. But Abraham stayed open to the Lord. Things don't always happen they way we want or when we want it to happen, and there is no doubt that it is a painful process sometimes, but our ways are not the Lord's. That has been my challenge, praying for the Lord's perspective in my life, praying that I stay open to all His ways. Knowing that because he gave me a passion for children also means that, that passion can be fulfilled in a thousand different ways and I need to trust that the way He chooses to fulfill it in my life will bring me ultimate satisfaction. My prayer truly is that the Lord's will would be done in my life the way He sees fit, because when I choose my own perspective I close myself to all the glorious ways my Lord wants to fulfill my desires.