In church on Saturday we were asked what our prayer requests were. As soon as the question was asked, faith and trust rang in my heart. Now I know that those two are like blanket-sweep prayer requests that every Christian seems to ask for, but it is so lacking in my heart. Faith and trust in my Saviour should be the DNA of my life and should be a part of every thought and decision I make because He deserves NOTHING less. But so often I find myself trusting my own strength and wisdom rather than His. My fear of not being in control paralyzes me into self-reliance. A self-reliance that hardens my heart, ruins relationships and draws me away from the unconditional love of my Father.
I have been a Christian now for almost 20 years and yet I struggle every moment of the day of the concept of my Saviour's love. I know we will never fully grasp it until we live on the other side of Glory, but how can it be? How is it that such a perfect God would love such a wretch like me? It is so backwards. I struggle to get out of the mind set that there is some way to earn that love everyday. Read my Bible more, give more of myself, pray more and the list goes on. Though all of those to-do's are good and a vital part of my faith, it is not an equation that earns me more or less of Christ's unconditional love. He died for, all of me. He died for the good, the bad and the ugly of Kaci, once and for all. In my 20 years of following Christ I feel like I have known all of that with my head, but I am now asking that it would transfer to my heart. I want to be fully rooted in the love of my Father. I want to know the pride He takes in me and that those feelings towards me have not and will never change.
So for now, I pray for trust. Trust that the God that created me in His image adores and loves what he created in me. And faith. Faith that stands firm in my saviour matter what may lie ahead.