Tonight I chose faith.
I found out tonight that, yet again, I am not pregnant.It has been half a year since Tyler and I started trying and I honestly never thought it would take this long. As I cried in my husband's arms, fear and hopelessness started to creep back into my heart. Lies that I have been fighting throughout this whole journey are now trying to become my reality again. I gave myself a good hour to cry and voice my fears to the Lord. Voice my frustrations and just be honest with what was going on in my heart. Will I be able to have babies and if not, why the deep desire to be a mom. Seem a little over dramatic? Maybe, but those thoughts have been a fight in my heart since day one of trying. I started down the path of asking why others were getting pregnant so fast and why did they deserve that blessing? Pride was creeping in and entitlement was quickly blinding me. I deserve this, right? But I had a choice to make in my heart last night. A choice to let my sin of faithlessness put a wedge between me and my Lord or a choice to be a faithful servant of a good and sovereign God. I was reminded of a sermon I listened to a couple weeks ago. The sermon was about trusting God and building faith in the hard times. That my God is a God who knows eternity and is looking for a people to remain faithful to Him because He is the Author and Finisher of life. To trust that He knows what is best for my life. I want to be that people. I want my Saviour to call me faithful.
So, tonight I chose faith.