Monday, January 31, 2011

Choosing Faith

Tonight I chose faith.
I found out tonight that, yet again, I am not pregnant.It has been half a year since Tyler and I started trying and I honestly never thought it would take this long. As I cried in my husband's arms, fear and hopelessness started to creep back into my heart. Lies that I have been fighting throughout this whole journey are now trying to become my reality again. I gave myself a good hour to cry and voice my fears to the Lord. Voice my frustrations and just be honest with what was going on in my heart. Will I be able to have babies and if not, why the deep desire to be a mom. Seem a little over dramatic? Maybe, but those thoughts have been a fight in my heart since day one of trying. I started down the path of asking why others were getting pregnant so fast and why did they deserve that blessing? Pride was creeping in and entitlement was quickly blinding me. I deserve this, right? But I had a choice to make in my heart last night. A choice to let my sin of faithlessness put a wedge between me and my Lord or a choice to be a faithful servant of a good and sovereign God. I was reminded of a sermon I listened to a couple weeks ago. The sermon was about trusting God and building faith in the hard times. That my God is a God who knows eternity and is looking for a people to remain faithful to Him because He is the Author and Finisher of  life. To trust that He knows what is best for my life. I want to be that people. I want my Saviour to call me faithful.
So, tonight I chose faith.


  1. hi there... I stumbled across your blog thru another fabulous ladies site, kinda chain reaction sorta thing. i read a bit of your post on choosing Faith and i wanted to encourage you a bit, one strange God Fearing girl of God to another! my husband and i had our son over 3 years ago... after being married over 2 1/2 yr we thought we'd go ahead and 'try' and see if we got pregnant. lots of months rolled by and as soon as i thought, well God you must have other plans and maybe adoption is our route... we found out we were pregnant and had our Andrew James just a cpl months before our 4th anniversary. crazy how once i mentally let go of the 'let me make it happen' it happened. and then as sometimes stories do... things repeated when we began to say after Andrew was 2, well we'll just let God have His way again... maybe we'll be blessed with another. well again over a year and a 1/2 rolled by and my husband actually brought up adoption and again i told God i was so fine if drew was the only one i gave birth to because i knew our family would grow one way or another one day. and as i said, story repeated itself and we found out we were expecting this past dec. due in august. so again i completely let go and let God and found the joy and freedom in doing so. i know it's a hard road to journey down (esp watching others have more little ones) but God in His always perfect timing had things laid out. and it's funny actually b/c back in the fall our son (who had been telling us he wanted a 'teeny tiny baby' was caught praying on the couch one evening that God would give 'mommy daddy & me a teeny tiny baby') my husband and i looked at each other and were like, okay it may be time now, our 3yr old is praying, lol.
    So i said all that to say ... Keep choosing Faith! God will move in your life, as you already know, and most often it's when you Least suspect it, and sometimes even when you find yourself giving up! =)
    Thanks for your blog... I'm sure it's touching many, like myself... a stranger from MD =)

  2. Thanks for the enouragement and sorry I am just getting back to you! I am really new to this whole blog thing and I did not know I had any comments! :) I am blessed by your story and encouragement! It is always great to hear from others who have been through it before! It is like a tug-of-war though! A really hard thing to "let go" but every month is a learning curve and every month I feel I am learning more and more about the God I serve! Praying for safe delivery of your new precious blessing!