Monday, May 23, 2011

Without My Lord

     Here we are again, another month not pregnant. Bummer. I thought I was getting really good at this whole disappointment thing, but turns out I am not! This month when I found out I was not, there was no crying or long talks, just a sad and longing heart. I was proud of myself for not crying because I don't like struggling with the same thing EVERY month. I did not want to go there again this month, I did not want to cry one more time about this, but turns out, you can't take the cry out of a crier! :)
     I was sitting at our leadership meeting before church and my husband was leading devotions and was talking about the importance of prayer and how we were just going to spend the next 30 minutes in prayer and usually I LOVE that. Yesterday was different. I thought to myself, Why pray? God won't listen. What? Where did that awful thought come from?! Slowly that morning, the Lord revealed to me that in my efforts to not be a bitter and sad person, that is exactly what I was becoming. I have been trying to do this whole thing on my own. Trying to find a place for the disappointment and hurt every month.
     Well, turns out, I am also really prideful! I don't like people to see me hurt and struggle, especially if it is the SAME thing over and over again. I want to master this hurt and let everyone around me know that I have it all together. My goal in this whole process has not been a healthy heart that trusts and is in love with my Lord. My goal has been for others to look at me and say how well I am handling this and how good of a Christian I am! So stupid!
     In the process of all this I have lost sight. Lost sight of my heart, my hurt, my struggles and my God. Lost sight of what He is bringing me through and why this journey at this time. I have taken the reigns and said that I can do it better than the Lord. I can protect my heart better, I protect myself from bitterness better, I can look like a better person without the Lord and all the while I am becoming a bitter, sad and angry person. It amazes me how fast I become such a gross person without the help of my Lord. How thankful I am for his steadfastness and his patience with his children. That when I leave and look to myself for answers he gently guides me back and reveals the truth to me in love.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL you ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

How Deep His Love

     It is amazing to me how fast pride can find its way to my heart. Without constant accountability (and I mean constant) pride takes over so fast. My pastor did a sermon on pride this week and it totally convicted me. I am a prideful being. I live a life most days completely dependent on myself. A life that clearly communicates that I can do it better than the Lord. I become so sure of myself and what I am "gifted" in and forget that He is the giver of those gifts and the giver of anything and everything good in my life. In those moments I am humbled and reminded of my complete and total failure without my Lord.
     But what I have a hard time with is realizing that because I fail without the Lord (and make mistakes) does not mean that I am a failure, but that is a lie I have a hard time shaking sometimes. Because I am not like this, it is hard to believe the truth that God can convict and show me the error of my way and not change His opinion about me. That blows my mind because when someone fails me, I am mad and hurt and it changes my perspective about them. I am blown away by the steadiness of my Saviour's love for His people. Over and over and over again He gives us chances; chances to change, chances to love, chances to be loved and so many times we let His undeserving grace pass us by. I don't want to let it pass me by nor do I want it to fall on a hard heart because I can't get pass the lie that He thinks I am a failure. I will stand firm on the truth that no matter what I may "feel" like, that my Creator is captivated by me, His creation. I will stand firm in the truth that when He corrects and disciplines me, it is out of a deep love and a desire to see me grow more like Him. What a wonderful, passionate, patient, grace-giving God I serve!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Life in my mind this week!

     So this blog has no real significance at all. Just a look into what has been consuming my mind lately. First thing, is since I started blogging and reading others, I have been wondering where do all these perfectly gorgeous, extremely talented women come from?! I love doing crafts and want to get into craft fairs and stuff like that but it seems as though all these women have taken all the cute ideas! I feel completely overwhelmed to think of new things because I am pretty sure there is nothing new under the sun! I have until August to find 5 things to make and make good because that is when my friend and I are doing our first ever craft fair. Which I am super excited about but don't even know where to begin!
     The other thing is, my husband and I put a bid on a short sale townhome in our dream little town. There is a possbility that we won't hear anything for another 10 weeks! This is really gives me too much time on my hands because I can't stop thinking about it! As much as I absolutely LOVE the people we live with, in the basement, I sure am ready to have my own place again and I am sure they would love their basement back! Something you probably don't know about me, is I don't like to spend money. I like nice things but I will almost never pay full price for things. This is great news for my husband! I say that because there is some work that we would like to do if we get the house and lucky for my husband I have already decorated (in my mind) the kitchen and the living room for around 800-1000 dollars. This includes new countertops, painting cabinets, painting walls and new floors for the kitchen. This shows you that either I am REALLY good at doing my research for getting things cheap or the place is really small; which it is a hybrid of both! :)
     So, there it is. The life during a week in my mind! Nothing that is of real importance, but I will keep you all updated when the creative ideas fall into my lap and I become a craft genius....or when and if we get the townhouse...or both! :)