Monday, May 23, 2011

Without My Lord

     Here we are again, another month not pregnant. Bummer. I thought I was getting really good at this whole disappointment thing, but turns out I am not! This month when I found out I was not, there was no crying or long talks, just a sad and longing heart. I was proud of myself for not crying because I don't like struggling with the same thing EVERY month. I did not want to go there again this month, I did not want to cry one more time about this, but turns out, you can't take the cry out of a crier! :)
     I was sitting at our leadership meeting before church and my husband was leading devotions and was talking about the importance of prayer and how we were just going to spend the next 30 minutes in prayer and usually I LOVE that. Yesterday was different. I thought to myself, Why pray? God won't listen. What? Where did that awful thought come from?! Slowly that morning, the Lord revealed to me that in my efforts to not be a bitter and sad person, that is exactly what I was becoming. I have been trying to do this whole thing on my own. Trying to find a place for the disappointment and hurt every month.
     Well, turns out, I am also really prideful! I don't like people to see me hurt and struggle, especially if it is the SAME thing over and over again. I want to master this hurt and let everyone around me know that I have it all together. My goal in this whole process has not been a healthy heart that trusts and is in love with my Lord. My goal has been for others to look at me and say how well I am handling this and how good of a Christian I am! So stupid!
     In the process of all this I have lost sight. Lost sight of my heart, my hurt, my struggles and my God. Lost sight of what He is bringing me through and why this journey at this time. I have taken the reigns and said that I can do it better than the Lord. I can protect my heart better, I protect myself from bitterness better, I can look like a better person without the Lord and all the while I am becoming a bitter, sad and angry person. It amazes me how fast I become such a gross person without the help of my Lord. How thankful I am for his steadfastness and his patience with his children. That when I leave and look to myself for answers he gently guides me back and reveals the truth to me in love.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL you ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

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