For lessons learned in how to trust in You

    Here I am again. Month after month struggling with the same thing, but being taught something new every month. It seems as though every month of disappointment God brings a new challenge, or a new part of His character I have yet to unfold. If I allow myself to get swept away in the frustration of it all, I miss the little pieces of glory God is revealing to me every month.
   This month was much the same as the other months, hopes way up that this was the month I was going to get pregnant and then the horrible let down that I was not. I left my house that morning to go to work and turned on some worship music. I was frustrated and telling the Lord my feelings of being let down and not understanding and mad at myself that I am not being the woman of  unshakeable faith I so long to be. But in honesty, I am not there, every month it shakes my faith a little bit more. But what a challenge it is to dig in deeper and hold on tighter to the promises that are being painfully rooted in my heart. So, as I said, I was listening to worship music and a song came on that I have not heard in years.  The song is called Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman:

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .
(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .

As I was listening to the words of the song, I was challenged if I really believed what I was singing along to. Do I really believe that, "i am blessed beyond what I could ever dream in abundance or in need" if he never gives me what I think I may need or want. I think that is a great question to ask ourselves, if God never grants us, you fill in the blank, do we still believe that the Lord has given us everything we need to live in abundance on this earth? I think I get caught up in this wrong thinking that the Lord owes me something. That because I live a life of loving Him that He is indebted to me somehow, and again what arrogance in me? My God sent his only perfect son to die a horrendous death for a truly undeserving sinner like me and still I have the audacity to tell Him he owes me what I want on this earth? May it never be!! But the great news that I hold so near to my heart about my God is that he sees that pride in me and loves me the same. He created me knowing that I would fight him sometimes and ask hard questions. He loves me and ALL of me; every part that come along with Kaci Krause. So in these raw moments when my heart is bleeding with disppointed and uncertainty I choose to cling to God. I choose to to give thanks to Him, with gratitude, for lessons learned in how to trust more in Him.

God Wastes Nothing

    So, I am doing a book study on this book called One Thousand Gifts with a group of girls. From what I read, and in a VERY vague overview of the book, it is about in every situation in life and every season choosing gratitude instead of resentment and bitterness. We were discussing one of the chapters last night and there was one line that really hit home for me. God wastes nothing. The part before it says, "So God transfigures all the world? Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good, grief transfigures into grace, empty transfigures into full. GOD WASTES NOTHING.
    I was struck by this because it is such a great promise from our Lord and one that I really believe and trust and understand. All of God's promises are good and true and last forever, but for some reason there are some that just don't resonate with me. And I know different seasons bring different promises that we cling to and hold on to for hope and in this season, this is my hope...God wastes nothing. Now I think we play a huge role in this promise because there are many things that happen to us, good, and bad, and how we choose to repsond in all those events in ways determines the outcome. Because we live in a sinful, fallen world bad things are going to happen to us and to those we love but it is how we respond that I think the promise happens. Am I going to respond with gratitude that I serve, regardless of my circumstances, a good God who loves me or am I going to choose a harden heart? When I choose gratitude then I allow the Lord complete control of my heart and who I am and who I am going to be. And what I love about that saying is that whatever I go through, if I choose God, he will not let those hardships go to waste. He will use my brokeness for His glory and also for my good. Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." So many times the things that our enemy has tried to use to harden our hearts towards our Saviour God uses for the glory and expansion of His kingdom, IF we allow him to and do not fall into our faithless fears. I am so glad I serve and God who does not promise that nothing bad will happen to us but promises that he will use it for our good and His glory. God wastes nothing.

Too good, but not Good Enough

      So lately I have been really working through some thoughts. They are thoughts that I really have a hard time finding truth from lie. These thoughts honesty make me feel like I am going to go crazy. I have been struggling with this pride that asks why certain people deserve things that I don't have. It is so arrogant of me and I realize that, but it does not change some of the thoughts I struggle with. I see people around me who, in the Christian world, have done it all wrong yet they seem to have everything I desire. In my very limited, human, fleshly brain it seems as though if you do things "right" then the outcome should be good and as I expect it to be. Well, since I serve a God who is so outside of time and my way of thinking this thought of mine is not true or right. Christ's purpose for me on this earth is not solely for me to be "happy" and give me everything I want. Now, don't get me wrong, we do serve a good good God who wants good things for us, but that is not why he created us. He created us to bring Him glory and to worship Him. I struggle sometimes to view him that way, though. I get so stuck on the disciplinary side of God and God the punisher. I see a God who does not take pride in his daughter because I fail so much. You already saw it in the beginning part of this blog. I am prideful and arrogant in believing I deserv things that his other choldren don't and the list goes on. I was a part of a discussion this week on Isaiah 46, 47 and 48 and it was like th Lord made that discussion just for me. It was all about how the Lord does not punish us to see us squirm or to hurt us but he disciplines us to move us toward righteousness. He does it so we are always moving forward in working our salvation out. His discipline is ALWAYS rooted in love and a desire, not only to bring Him glory, but for our good. It is something so hard to grasp because anytime I have had to discipline in my life, I am usually angry about it or was set off in some way. MY discipline is not always rooted in love, but in frusteration and even hurt. So I get stuck in this cycle of being too good, but not good enough. An arrogance that says I am much better than so many out there, but also a very real reality that I don't deserve anything I have been given and it is only by the grace of God that I have anything or any hope. I honestly don't know where I am going with all this, maybe just an acknoweledgment that those thoughts are there and real and make me crazy. An acknoweledgment that brings me to the foot of the cross and opens my eyes to the very real reality that I am in such desperate need of my savior. A need to listen and obey him because he knows what is best for me. In Isaiah 48:17-18 it says, "This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea."
How many times have chosen to listen to my own thoughts and not the thoughts of my Lord? How many time have I chosen choas and unrest instead of the peace he so willingly offers here? It is a daily process and I don't think it is something we choose once and it stays forever. I think this is something I must choose and fight for everyday of my life. A choice to listen to a God who is also my friend, my comforter, my peace, my provider, my saviour, my biggest cheerleader, my everything I have and will ever need.