So lately I have been really working through some thoughts. They are thoughts that I really have a hard time finding truth from lie. These thoughts honesty make me feel like I am going to go crazy. I have been struggling with this pride that asks why certain people deserve things that I don't have. It is so arrogant of me and I realize that, but it does not change some of the thoughts I struggle with. I see people around me who, in the Christian world, have done it all wrong yet they seem to have everything I desire. In my very limited, human, fleshly brain it seems as though if you do things "right" then the outcome should be good and as I expect it to be. Well, since I serve a God who is so outside of time and my way of thinking this thought of mine is not true or right. Christ's purpose for me on this earth is not solely for me to be "happy" and give me everything I want. Now, don't get me wrong, we do serve a good good God who wants good things for us, but that is not why he created us. He created us to bring Him glory and to worship Him. I struggle sometimes to view him that way, though. I get so stuck on the disciplinary side of God and God the punisher. I see a God who does not take pride in his daughter because I fail so much. You already saw it in the beginning part of this blog. I am prideful and arrogant in believing I deserv things that his other choldren don't and the list goes on. I was a part of a discussion this week on Isaiah 46, 47 and 48 and it was like th Lord made that discussion just for me. It was all about how the Lord does not punish us to see us squirm or to hurt us but he disciplines us to move us toward righteousness. He does it so we are always moving forward in working our salvation out. His discipline is ALWAYS rooted in love and a desire, not only to bring Him glory, but for our good. It is something so hard to grasp because anytime I have had to discipline in my life, I am usually angry about it or was set off in some way. MY discipline is not always rooted in love, but in frusteration and even hurt. So I get stuck in this cycle of being too good, but not good enough. An arrogance that says I am much better than so many out there, but also a very real reality that I don't deserve anything I have been given and it is only by the grace of God that I have anything or any hope. I honestly don't know where I am going with all this, maybe just an acknoweledgment that those thoughts are there and real and make me crazy. An acknoweledgment that brings me to the foot of the cross and opens my eyes to the very real reality that I am in such desperate need of my savior. A need to listen and obey him because he knows what is best for me. In Isaiah 48:17-18 it says, "This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea."
How many times have chosen to listen to my own thoughts and not the thoughts of my Lord? How many time have I chosen choas and unrest instead of the peace he so willingly offers here? It is a daily process and I don't think it is something we choose once and it stays forever. I think this is something I must choose and fight for everyday of my life. A choice to listen to a God who is also my friend, my comforter, my peace, my provider, my saviour, my biggest cheerleader, my everything I have and will ever need.